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January 10, 2017

Trump and Clinton Call Sanders’ Election “Illegitimate”

Former Candidates say They Got Berned by Putin and WikiLeaks

President Elect Bernie Sanders today addressed criticism that his surprise Presidency will be “illegitimate” because it was due to leaks of email stolen from the Democratic National Committee. National security officials say the emails were obtained by Russian hackers acting under instructions from Vladimir Putin. “This is the bitterness of billionaires,” the President Elect said. “They were sure that their 1% cronies would be nominated by both major parties and, no matter who won, they would be able to continue exploiting the middle class and ignoring the needs of the less fortunate. The people have spoken.”

Critics from both the Clinton and Trump camps say that release of these documents during the end game of the primary season led to Sanders’ narrow surprise win at the Democratic Convention on the third ballot when super-delegates abandoned the former Secretary of State in favor of the junior Senator from Vermont. This upset Trump’s game plane for a campaign against Clinton. “I could’ve beaten crooked Hillary,” tweeted real estate mogul Donald Trump. “Unfair media helped rapist Assange steal the election for Sanders.” Experts are unanimous in saying that Trump could not have beaten Clinton under any conceivable circumstance.

Senior Clinton campaign aides say that President Obama should have done more to discourage and punish Russian hacking. The President responded to that accusation today. “I’m proud that my coalition was essential to electing Bernie Sanders President so he can continue my Progressive policies. This is an endorsement of my legacy. In the interest of transparency, I could not interfere with the free flow of information to the American people during a campaign.”

Vice President Elect Elizabeth Warren reacted angrily when asked if her election is legitimate. “The American people heard the truth about Hillary Clinton and the Democratic establishment and they acted on that truth. Would less truth make us more free?”

Sanders had no direct comment on rumors that Vladimir Putin is urging him to appoint Edward Snowden to an intelligence post.

“Russia had universal healthcare long before we did,” said Sanders. “There are things we can learn from them. I will make every effort to work with President Putin to solve the problems of the world. Anybody who doesn’t think that’s a good idea is stupid.”

Donald Trump says he will run again in 2020.

Trumptweats

Notes: This, of course, all happened in a parallel universe. In our reality, WikiLeaks didn’t leak the DNC material until the week before the Democratic Convention when HRC had already sewn up the nomination and none of the people said or tweeted any of the things I have attributed to them.

The idea for the great firewall came from this tweet by @razhael.

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