Soon cellphone use will be permitted on planes; there never was any good reason for banning it other than the sanity of passengers. And, as WiFi finds its way onto more and more flights, people will also be using VoIP to talk from their computers while sitting next to you. If you want a preview of what all this is going to sound like, just take a train.
But there is hope – the audio cocoon.
I’m not sure why it is more annoying to listen to be an involuntary eavesdropper on one side of a cellphone call than on both sides of a real conversation. Maybe it’s because people shout into their cell phones when they can’t hear well. Maybe it’s because people feel more anonymous when the other party to the conversation is invisible. I’ve certainly learned much more than I ever wanted to about “he goes…” and then “she goes…” and “then I go…”. Usually where each party “went” is repeated three times with growing outrage. I have to assume that whomever is at the other end of cellphone calls never talks because the person on my end never stops.
But there is hope.
Of course, there are some real two-party conversations which are pretty obnoxious as well. Some involve the screaming of small children who should have been shipped as baggage. Once you spot them in the waiting lounge – or, rather, once they run over or into you in the waiting lounge – you know for sure they’ll be seated a row ahead of or behind you if not in the adjoining seat. They may leer at you over the seatback in front of you or kick you remorselessly from behind. It’s easy to forget you ever traveled with children who did anything other than sleep or quietly read a book.
Another obnoxious two-party conversation is the fully audible monologue three rows forward which begins with “where are ya from?”, doesn’t wait for an answer, proceeds backwards from the soloist’s most recent trip through the rest of his life, segues into malformed and misinformed political opinions, and ends after landing blocking the aisle during an exchange of contact information. The other (innocent) party’s role in this conversation is to grunt what is apparently encouragement if the speaker ever pauses for breath.
Worst of all is when a would-be monologuist takes the seat next to you - “where are ya from?” But here’s where the defense was born. You know what to do in this case, right? You just don’t answer – not even a grunt. One snub usually doesn’t do it. “Going home or leaving?” You don’t answer. “Traveling on business or pleasure?” “Is this your first trip to….” Many of us use a prop in such cases. We work hard on our computers (“what kind of computer is that?” No answer from us, of course) although we become vulnerable when the computer has to be stowed for takeoff. We bury our heads in a book or newspaper. “What are ya reading?”, “Do ya like it?”, “I read a book once. It…” Some people have trouble using rudeness to build a primitive cocoon but not we frequent travelers.
When I worked for Microsoft Bill Gates set a conspicuous good example by traveling not only on commercial airliners but in coach. It was always an executive’s nightmare that Bill would spot him or her in first class as he went by towards the back of the plane. We’d have to jump up and say “Hi, Bill. Got an upgrade. Lucky me.” But I digress. When Bill got to his coach seat, he put a blanket over his head for the duration of the flight. Perhaps he slept under there; perhaps he read with a flashlight or worked on his laptop. But the important thing is that he was in a cocoon.
Today’s cocoons, like today’s annoyances, are electronic. The white earphones of an iPod are a great protection from the person next to you. I wonder if there are people who put on the earphones but never bother turning on the iPod. Even better are noise-canceling earphones which also eliminate the cellphone chatter in the seats near you. Add a microphone and you now have your own audio cocoon. A good microphone lets you talk softly enough so you can’t be overheard (at least that’s what you imagine); sound-canceling electronics keep everybody else out of your cocoon.
I’m sure the FAA will soon require that all earphones and iPods receive an emergency override frequency on which inflight emergencies can be announced. OK with me so long as the channel isn’t used to sell dutyfree items.
So there is hope that, when cellphones are allowed on planes, good electronic defenses will be widely available. The sleep mask can protect you from the child peering over the seatback. Now, about that person behind you who is kicking, …