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October 08, 2020

Sampler of Reaction to Moonquake

Don’t worry; this is just fantasy reaction.

First the fake news: At 8:07PM Eastern Daylight Time last night observatories and amateurs alike reported a series of strong moonquakes. The face of the man in the moon no longer looks familiar. The cause is yet unknown. Violent protests have surged in Seattle, Portland, and Minneapolis.

@realDonaldTrump: There is absolutely nothing to worry about. I have ordered My Homeland Security to guard against a possible dangerous influx of Loony Aliens. So-called Sanctuary Cities are hereby warned against endangering Earth’s security.

The Federal Reserve: We have supplied extra capital to banks and loosened solvency requirements.

Antifa: The lily-white face of dominance has been shattered. Violence is necessary for change to be real.

Proud Boys: We are standing by to protect the rights of white people against this huge leftwing plot.

Wall Street: Dow Jones up 1053 points on news of Federal Reserve action.

Joe Biden: Uh… I have not really been briefed on this. During the Obama-Biden administration we did a much better job of dealing with this kind of situation than Donald Trump is doing.

NY Times Headline: Lunar Catastrophe; Women and Other Marginalized Groups Expected to be Most Impacted

QAnon: The deep state is galactic.

Presidential Press Spokesperson of the moment: This President has done more for the Earth and Moon than any previous administration in half the time.

Chuck Schumer: This unprecedented event makes it absolutely impossible to go forward with confirmation of Trump’s Supreme Court nomination.

Mitch McConnell: It is now even more imperative that we immediately bring the Supreme Court up to full strength. In this unprecedented situation, the Founders’ original intent is more important than ever.

Another NY Times Headline: Trump Falsely Accuses Loonians of Lunacy.

American Federation of Teachers: Our members cannot be asked to shoulder the risk of the sky falling without extra compensation.

NYC Mayor Bill DeBlasio: New York City schools will close.

NY State Governor Andrew Cuomo: New York City schools will remain open.

First responders: We haven’t had any calls yet. If we are called, we’ll do what’s needed.

Bernie Sanders: Cawporate greed.

Fox News: (picture of Airforce One flying past changed face of the moon with Star Spangled Banner playing.)

Chicken Little: They should have listened to the science.

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